Some people are lucky enough to never have to go through something so awful. But for those of us that are forced to go through this nightmare, I hear you. So, what exactly is dissociation?
The definition:
It can be described as separating from conscious awareness which can lead to a degree of mental dysfunction. I like to describe it by calling it a ‘distant’ feeling or feeling completely detached from everything and everyone around you.
How does it feel?
Well, it can differ from person to person. But until someone goes through it themselves, it is almost impossible to describe accurately. Please read the prose below to see my take on it and how I would describe it.
Imagine you are out with your favourite person, in your favourite location of all times. The sun is shining vividly, reflecting a gorgeous glow onto the blooming flowers around you. There is a calming lake filled with swans and ducks, you are in the height of nature itself. You are smiling, having a good laugh and talking away. Everything seems to be going perfectly well to the person you are spending the day with. But they cannot see the under layer. The layer that is hiding tunnels of deep pain. The layer that is on the brink of painful tears. The layer that just wants to feel something for once. The layer that wants to scream at the world for being happy. Because that is what you are really feeling. Run down. Distant. Detached. Fed up. Unworthy. Stressed. Nobody can see any of that but you. You feel completely alone because nobody can see past that wide smile you paint on daily.
Talking about these painful truths with someone you trust used to help, but now you feel no passion in the words you speak. You feel nothing. Everything in life has been passing you by for months, years even. You want to start enjoying every fleeting moment just as everyone else seems to be but no matter how hard you try, the numbness takes over. You feel something deep, deep down in the depths of your soul but you cannot tell if that is the anguish of living this mental torture or a tiny glimpse of what you used to be, still lurking in the background. It doesn’t matter anyway, it's too deep down to feel.
When these feelings first arised, you had hopes that you just had to get through one day. Just one day and you would feel like yourself again tomorrow, your feelings would return. But years later and you are still waiting. Still waiting to feel the love you once felt for your partner, who you know you must love dearly or why else are you still with them? Still waiting to feel grateful for all that loyal friend has done for you over the years but you look into their eyes and feel nothing. Still waiting for that miracle day where you finally feel appreciative of the things you have in life. But those days never come. Life is different through this lense. Every tiny good thing: the sun, a lake, animals, loved ones, trees, laughing, joy etc is overshadowed by a looming darkness, a fog that you cannot see through. Nothing clears the fog, you are just left to suffocate in it and muddle through it the best you can. People want to help but nobody can do a thing. You are just a ghost of your past self, watching your life be lived but feeling none of it. You are incredibly sad and down but you also feel nothing. A feeling that can never truly be described. You cannot be separated from your own mind and so you must stay in it until your last breath.
How can you help someone that dissociates?
Helping someone that has to go through this is tough, it can even seem frustrating at times. But people who suffer from dissociation (which can be people with dissociative identity disorder, BPD, depression and many more or even someone who is under extreme stress or shock) are not present in the moment like other people. They don't function like others and so they may need more time to process things.
Some examples:
-If you try to have a conversation with the person and they are staring at the other side of the room, this may be because what you are saying is not sinking in. If they are not ‘in the moment’, it is hard for them to concentrate and focus on what is being said. Be patient with them, try to put their attention back onto your conversation by pausing and politely asking if they would like you to repeat what was said.
-Another thing to consider is what NOT to do. One thing that I and others who suffer with it have found frustrating is when people suggest things like trying to be more positive or typical cliches (your feelings will come back one day, keep going, it can't be that bad, you're just having an off day etc.) Please be considerate and compassionate and note that you don't know exactly what anyone is thinking/feeling, so try to be careful with your words. Even if you think you are helping them by saying/doing these things, most people that try to ‘help’ them will be saying exactly the same things. This can lead to the sufferer feeling completely alone like nobody understands them and nobody cares.
-It is also not yours or anyone else's fault why they feel this way. They cannot stop it or they would, you also have no power to stop it. The human mind is a complex mystery and your help will be appreciated but sometimes, people just need a good listener for them to vent to. It's okay if you cannot help, just be there for them.
-Dissociation is often scary for some people. It can feel like nothing around you is real and you question reality itself. To have someone reassure you when needed and tell you that it's okay to feel the way you do can really help.
It is important to consider all of this when trying to help someone.
What can help dissociation?
What helps one person may not have an effect on someone else. We all react to things differently which is why it is important to try new things if something doesn't work. It is also okay if nothing works and it becomes an everyday state like it is for me, but that doesn't mean you won't find something that works in the future. Some suggestions from research are:
-Keeping a journal - this can help most mental health conditions. You will be able to see your improvements, any patterns that help or to avoid and more. It can help you to work through your feelings or just log how you feel at the time.
-Meditation - this is a very common one that comes up a lot. I have tried this several times and it never works for me but it could for you or someone you know. Try downloading a meditation app or taking a professional class.
Grounding Exercises - To feel more ‘in the moment’ some people like to concentrate on things they can see, smell, taste, touch and hear. It can help to feel more in your surroundings.
-Doing things you love - This again doesn't help me but I try to list everything that could help someone else. Going to your favourite place with people you are fond of could help you to come out of your own head a little bit.
If you would like to talk about disassociation, feel free to reach out to me to chat. I hope this blog post has helped someone. Thank you for reading and remember, if you feel like anything I have described, you are not alone!
Thank you for sharing this. #myjourneythroughmadness