WARNING: This may be an extremely hard read for a lot of people. Read with caution.
Suicide or suicide ideations is always a difficult topic to speak about to most people. A lot of people refuse to be a burden to the ones they love and try to hide their feelings to protect others. But everyone needs support sometimes. This blog post will focus on suicide awareness, the right and wrong things to say to someone who is suicidal and even suicidal prevention. This could be helpful to you personally or someone you know that is feeling suicidal.
What causes suicidal feelings?
Believe it or not, there are still so many people around the world that do not understand what causes someone to feel suicidal, as though there is no way out. Even people who do feel this way may not be completely aware of what is causing it. As you are probably aware, many factors can contribute to a person feeling so low that they want to end things. These can include mental health conditions that cause extreme low moods. It can also be everyday stresses building up such as being in debt, losing a loved one or even coping with a long term illness. It is important to remember that there is no set thing that causes suicidal feelings and you should never feel guilty or ashamed for feeling them. Some will say it is wrong for religious reasons or because you have ‘so much to live for’ and ‘nothing can be as bad as that.’ But in fact, 1 in 5 people experience suicidal thoughts in their lifetime and a whopping 1 million people die by suicide each year around the world. So it’s not so uncommon, is it?
In my lifetime, I have heard a lot of negativity about suicidal feelings. Things that lead to people not being able to speak to the ones closest to them. Some people may not open up and be truthful about their suicidal feelings because they are afraid that people would look at them differently, call them crazy or keep them under 24 hour surveillance in case they try anything. But making someone feel suffocated by constantly mentioning their suicidal thoughts, making them feel as though you don’t trust them or making it obvious that you are afraid they will go through with it can all contribute to them feeling worse. So it is important to know what can trigger someone who is going through this and how to handle it all properly.
How to handle a suicidal person carefully:
It is more important to know what NOT to do when someone is feeling suicidal. There is technically no right or wrong answer because everyone handles their suicidal feelings differently and what triggers some people may not trigger others. The first thing to avoid is trying to argue someone out of suicide. Threatening them not to do it, emotionally blackmailing them, or screaming at them to stay alive for a reason that they cannot see, is the opposite of how to handle it well. All that will do is make the vulnerable person feel more agitated and as though you or anyone else will never understand or even listen to what they are trying to tell you. Remember, if they have opened up to you and been honest about feeling suicidal, then you are halfway there. Most people avoid speaking about it so nobody tries to stop them but if they have told you, they may want to be talked out of it deep down and find a reason to live but arguing your points will only make things worse.
The second thing to never do is suggest obvious and ignorant things. Things like 'sleep it off. You'll feel better in the morning' because that person could have been feeling this way for weeks or months without you knowing. Or 'get a job you're only this down because you're unemployed.' Even though not having a job may have an impact on the way they're feeling, it isn't wise to state it. Or the common one 'you need to be more positive. It will stop you wanting to die' no, it won't. It will make the person feel inadequate and like a failure for wanting to end their life instead of being positive. Remember, these feelings are NOT chosen by its sufferers.
There may be other factors that are all adding up and causing them to feel this way. Another thing that could make matters worse is completely taking away the person's freedom. Although you may not do this on purpose and are only trying to help, it can be damaging to the suicidal person. Taking away their freedom as in locking them in rooms, not trusting them to do anything with sharp objects or even forcing them to get help. In the ideal world, everyone that feels suicidal would go to hospital or a mental health centre and get the treatment and help that they need. But telling someone they need is taking their options away. You should advise them to do things, not force them. Forcing them will anger and upset them even more and possibly even make them lose trust in you, which could be dangerous in the long run if they stop taking your advice.
How to help yourself if you're feeling suicidal:
This is a tough one to write. Even for someone who has been suicidal many times in the past. There are quite a few ways that you can help yourself if you're feeling suicidal but none of them are going to be easy. You may feel that you don't want to do anything because it will be easier to give into the thoughts and end things but I believe we always have some fight left in us, a human instinct to stay alive no matter what. It is probably best to take these steps when you are just starting to feel suicidal and the suicidal thoughts are slowly pouring in rather than waiting right up until you want to try something. The one thing I would recommend is telling someone. Yes, it's obvious and it is probably what everyone says and it could panic people at the same time which may make you want to avoid it. But it's all about how you word it. Instead of going up to someone saying 'help me I think I'm going to end my life' try saying 'I hope you don't mind me coming to you with this but I have been having some pretty dark thoughts and I want to talk them over with someone I trust before they get worse.' This approach could be less concerning to the one you're trying to tell. Although nothing would stop them from worrying once they hear this, they probably wouldn't panic as much if you make it sound more natural and talkative rather than causing them to panic and you to regret speaking up.
Another thing I would suggest is distractions. Think of it as survival mode. Your main goal is to keep yourself alive for as long as possible. Resist the urge to end things for as long as possible. I know when you're at rock bottom and want it to be over, you don't exactly enjoy many activities and it's the only thing you can think about but trying your best to distract yourself from dark thoughts is a great idea. Even forgetting how low you're feeling for just 5 minutes can have a massively positive impact on your mental health. It is always the things you never expect that help. You probably imagine a distraction as drinking too much or making spontaneous and dangerous choices but it's in fact the simple things that help. Taking a long stroll and absorbing great views, getting a new time consuming hobby such as drawing or baking that requires your full attention. Escaping the world for a while by getting lost in a good book and socialising about it with like minded friends. Getting past suicidal times is never easy, but taking small steps each day will help. Take it from someone who knows all too well.
Where to find hope:
A lot of people have asked me recently how I found hope when I was at rock bottom. I won't lie, it's hard to remember exactly what I was thinking and how I coped but I am living proof that you can feel suicidal 10+ times and almost give up but be alive years later. So, what kept me going and what gave me hope? Well, thinking back as best I can, I believe it was a mixture of things that kept me going. One of the main things was being considerate and kind to myself. I tried to not feel guilty when I didn't get everyday chores done. I tried to give myself a break when I ate too many snacks. I stopped giving myself a hard time about not achieving anything at the time. I tried my best to be considerate towards myself and think well so what if I don't get much cleaning done today? So what if another chapter of my book doesn't get written? If I'm breathing then I'm winning. And that's all that mattered.
I also used distractions myself like writing, watching my favourite TV shows, and having days out with my partner. I did the opposite of what I wanted to do, which was sit in a dark room, isolate myself and decide how to end my life. I didn't give into my dark thoughts. I managed to drag myself out of the house and do something. They may not have been miracle cures but they kept me distracted. I cannot say I had much fun as I was numb and unable to feel fun, but it felt more normal. Another thing that kept me going was feeling needed. Knowing that there were people in my life that needed me, family and friends that were going through a lot. I even told myself that staying alive meant I had more time with friends and family rather than ripping myself away from them too soon. I had to vividly imagine their lives without me and how upsetting it would be for me to convince myself that now wasn't the time for me to go. I had a sense of duty to those around me and I wanted to stay around for them.
I also had hope for the future. I have been told that is quite rare for a suicidal person but it is true. A very big part of me wanted to end all of my pain and suffering and let myself go but still there was this part of me that kept saying 'how do you know things won't get better?' And 'your life will improve you can't give up yet' and random thoughts like that kept me alive another day and then a day after that. I am grateful to be alive because if I would have given in when I was 16/17 like I wanted to, I would have never witnessed the progress I've made in my life and how strong I've become. I have achieved many amazing things that I'm proud of in the past few years and knowing all that may not have happened if I gave into my dark thoughts really upsets me.
My advice to anyone who finds themselves in this state of mind is to keep talking. That is the biggest thing to remember. Talk to someone you trust. Try therapy if you have nobody. And if you feel you have nobody to talk to, my inbox is always open. Feel free to message me on this website chat to speak to me confidentially or if you prefer something less formal, give me a Facebook message. I have talked over 20 people out of suicide and I am proud to say that they are still alive and well today so whatever I said worked. You should never have to be alone at rock bottom.
What does being suicidal feel like?
I have put together a small poem to describe what being suicidal was like from my perspective:
A shadow of death lurking in the night,
A firm terrorising hand keeping it's twisted grip,
A distorted reflection in the mirror causing a fright,
I see the poison in my eye line urging me to take a sip.
One tiny sip would end all the pain,
One tiny sip would bring me peace,
One tiny sip would make me sane,
One tiny sip would help my worries to decrease.
I shake the chains that bind me to this feeling,
But they just keep tightening and becoming more tangled,
I believe there is no chance of ever healing,
When my dark thoughts just continue to be mangled.
I search for a bright light that would lead me to the right path,
But all I see is death and terror in my worn out eyes,
I am determined to escape my own wrath,
And survive somehow but I consider saying my goodbyes.
That is who I was many years ago,
But times have changed and seasons have past,
I am a warrior of my own making putting on a show,
I have built a life to last.
I still struggle every day,
But I want to stay alive,
Maybe you will too and find a way to stay,
Maybe like me, you will thrive.
I hope you can relate to this poem and show that you are not alone if you feel this way. That is the end of this suicidal awareness blog post but you can always request another one in the future if you wish by message on this website. I hope this post helps someone in need and remember I am here for strangers and friends. Thank you and have a lovely day.
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